Drop Bear, Beware!

Snakes, spiders, and man-eating bears! Oh my!

Drop Bear, Beware!

In the darkest and most dangerous parts of the land down under lives a ferocious beast. The beast, a cousin of the koala bear, looks adorable and fluffy when first approached. If a person saw this beast roaming the forest floor, they would think that it’s just another cute animal that cannot cause any harm. These people would be completely incorrect.

Sure, the beast looks cute when spotted at a distance, but they certainly aren’t harmless. This creature can severely harm people. It hides high up in the gum trees, peering down at the ground below it, hunting for its next victim. When it spots a human walking under its tree, it makes its move and jumps from the tree in a blaze of glory and lands on the unfortunate human who happened to walk under its tree.

What is this terrifying creature called? It’s called a Drop Bear, a fitting name. And how does one avoid getting attacked by the drop bear?

1) Don’t go to Australia. This step is both simple and obvious. If you don’t want to get attacked by the creature, don’t go to the country that it lives in. As long as you never go to Australia, you’ll never have to encounter the crazy animal.

2) Avoid places with drop bear warning signs. The sign below shows an example of what you might see when you’re walking down an Australian path. If you see this sign, it’s probably a good idea to turn around. Places with these signs are extremely dangerous, and if you want to protect your face from getting clawed by a bear dropping from a forty foot tree, don’t go past the sign.

This sign shows potential threats ahead.
This sign shows potential threats ahead.

3) So if you are unfortunate enough to get stuck in a drop bear warning zone, don’t make lots of noise. Try to stay as quiet as possible while you make your way through the war zone. Drop bears sleep around 16 to 20 hours a day, so there’s a good chance that if you don’t attract attention to yourself, you won’t get noticed.

4) If the drop bears have noticed you and you see one falling from the tree, run. This is another obvious step. If you see the beast falling, move away. Stay alert and always look up while walking so that you can see if a bear drops before it has the chance to attack.

5) If a drop bear actually claws you and latches on, get it off and go to a hospital. Drop bears are man-eaters, so if you want to avoid death, it’s smart to, in the wise words of Taylor Swift, “Shake it off.” Get the fuzzy bear off of you and run to the nearest hospital.

6) There’s no sixth step. If you’ve failed to get it off of you, you’re probably dead. Sorry. Hope your trip to Australia was worth it.