Spectrum Sass: An Anonymous Advice Column #1

Q: “On the first day of school I was sitting next to this boy that I thought was really cute. I tried to take a sip of water but I spilled my entire bottle all over me. Now everyone calls me ‘puddles.’ Help!”
A: I’m not incredibly sure how to help you with this one. I would definitely recommend getting some dirt to use as leverage against those friends. After all, you’re gonna need something to get them to stop before it becomes a name that sticks with you throughout all 4 years of of high school… Puddles.

Q: “my life is really boring and I have no friends. I am not very social. Any advice?”

A: christianmingle.com

Q: “A lot of people assume I am a lesbian because of my short hair. How do I handle that?”
A: The next time you see them, give a long sarcastic monologue about how /obviously/ lesbian you really are then crowdsurf away like Janice Ian did in “Mean Girls.” #Iconic
Q: “I just found out that my boyfriend cheated on me. What do I do?”
A: When your man cheats on you, there’s a few measures you can take. Try to make up your relationship with food. Mix 1 box of that super cheap cake mix from Walmart with about 2 eggs and approximately 1 and a half cups of blea- okay so maybe feeding him bleach is a little extreme but you should definitely be pulling out that phone and dialing 1-800-DUMP-HIM. Also I’m not an advocate of violence buuuuut I hear that the plastic spoons in the cafeteria can be sharpened into shanks with the right amount of patience. Take from that what you will and keep in mind that The Spectrum has no legal liability for any actions taken on behalf of our content.
Q: “There’s this boy in my Spanish class who I think is really cute but I’m 99% sure he’s sexist and hates girls. What do I do?”
A: Step 1: love yourself
Step 2: No
Q: “I went through my friend’s phone while she was in the bathroom and found out that she’s been talking trash about me and just using me for homework help. What do I do?”
A: Honestly your friend sounds like a Gemini those two-faced sacks of tras- okay anyway just go find yourself a libra or something they’re usually chill.