Sassy Spectrum #3: The New Years Edition

Neil Haran

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NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

My New Year’s Resolution is to drop a fire mixtape…

And while I am SURE  that your parents will remain proud of your aspirations, perhaps something more productive might be in your future. Here, “more productive” can mean a lot of things. Like pursuing your GPA, getting into college, becoming a professional dog-walker, or literally anything other than devoting your time to a mixtape. 2/10, would not approve.

My New Year’s Resolution is to eat my own weight in pizza

You aren’t special. The world’s largest pizza weighed in at a whopping 26,883 pounds and required cranes to construct. You would be much better off just paying far too much for a personal pan pizza and wallowing in the ensuing self-hatred that comes with the knowledge that you’ll have to work out for 7 hours just to get rid of those calories. Yikes.

My New Year’s Resolution is to start an anarcho-communist revolution

Okay there Karl Marx, if we could please just chill out I’m pretty sure that ship has sailed and from what I remember it didn’t go that well for you. I’m also gonna take a wild guess that you’re voting for Bernie in the presidential elections.

My New Year’s Resolution maintain my relationship so I have someone to go to prom with.

I feel like there are far larger problems at play here. Like, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for entering relationships for the sole purpose of material benefits. (After all, Buffalo Wild Wings isn’t that cheap and a boy has to eat) HOWEVER I feel like prom should be something special. You should really only propose to someone that you truly have emotions for in a way that will make them feel special. For example, when I went to WBHS’s prom as a junior my date asked me out by throwing chicken nuggets at my window and then standing on top of her car with a McDonald’s-themed sign. She truly did know the way to my heart…

My New Year’s Resolution is to “keep being a G”

Ah yes, what a humble resolution. But let me ask you THIS, anonymous submitter. Why KEEP being a G? Where does one go from this position? What new paths might your life as a “G” take you down if your only aspiration is to be more of the same? These questions and more on the next episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show Revival Tour. (Guest starring Ellen Degenerate! Ellen Degeneres’s fairly-unsuccessful cousin! She’s like the great value version of Ellen but we’re desperate and we’ll take whatever stardom we can get.)

My New Year’s Resolution is to grow a man bun

Step 1. Do not

Step 2. No seriously, do not

Step 3. Seriously if you think that this is at all morally justifiable I will bring garden shears to school and take that bun off myself, damn the consequences

Step 4. I have seen plenty of man buns around WBHS and after witnessing each one I immediately run to the church across the street to cleanse myself of the sinful feeling I get just by being in proximity to them.

Step 5. If you haven’t gotten it by now I’m sure that Bloomfield Hills High School would be more than happy to take you at the start of next semester because you have NO place in this school.

Also you probably are going to look like this so don’t even try it if you love yourself

chicken

My New Year’s Resolution is to stop man buns in 2016

Please refer to question #5 for my thoughts on this pressing issue. You may just be the hero that West Bloomfield High School needs…

My New Year’s Resolution is to find myself a boyfriend so I don’t disappoint my family this Thanksgiving when I come home single and alone

GLUTENFREESINGLES.COM!!!

My New Year’s Resolution is to stop talking to my cat

Girl… me too

 

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