Sassy Spectrum #4 The Valentine’s Day Edition

Sassy Spectrum #4 The Valentine's Day Edition

Q: I have 4 main friends. two on them are dating each other, one just started dating a person that everyone thought I would get along with more, and the last has had a boyfriend for the last 6 months. I’m still single. this is really bumming me out, I don’t want to spend my 16th valentine’s day alone ūüôĀ help!

A: Okay first of all, having couple-friends is horrendous and I’m fairly certain it’s one of the cardinal sins in the Bible. Ditch them and you’ll feel at least 75% better. You have the additional option of sabotaging their relationship and watching it crash and burn which is a¬†super fun way to win that one-way ticket to Hell you’ve always wanted but hey, maybe that’s just my eternally-single bias talking. Secondly, GIRL, YOUR OTHER FRIEND SNATCHED YOUR DATE SO IT IS ONLY RIGHT THAT YOU SNATCH THEM BACK. I highly recommend that you reenact the gif below or, (if you’re feeling extra bitter this Valentines season,) shaving their eyebrows off.

After this snatching has occurred, feel free to secure your eternal damnation by going the extra mile and shaving their eyebrows off in their sleep until they look like a Nicholas Cage facial-waxing accident. It may not get your date back, but nobody wants to date someone if they’re looking like this disaster. (YIKES!)

 

Q: Why do I feel like you always give sarcastic advice? Like, you’re an advice column that’s supposed to be helping people figure out their life, not patronize them.¬†

A: okay so FIRST OF ALL, it says “Sassy Spectrum” for a reason. If you think that THIS is too much, you’re probably one of those sheltered people who wears Pilgrim clothes and shops in Walmart’s “80 and up” age section. Go back to eating your gluten free pasta with uncooked potatoes, Becky, you can’t handle this.

Secondly, if you’re coming to ME, an anonymous high school student, for legitimate help with your life, you might have larger problems with assessing who to trust. I couldn’t even find matching socks this morning what mind-altering drug did you consume to make you believe I should be trusted with anyone else’s life choices.

Lastly…

(spoiler alert: it’s not you)

Q: Valentine’s Day is for losers in relationships… We’re in high school and people in relationships are wasting their time. Why is this even a topic?

Listen, while I am¬†ALL for being the bitter single friend who provides pessimistic commentary on love and relationships on this excruciating holiday, at least I can¬†acknowledge¬†that I hate it because I’m single and bitter and will be spending my Valentine’s Day curled up in bed crying to a Julia Roberts movie whilst cuddling my $12 body pillow I bought at Walmart to simulate the¬†gaping void in my life that should be filled by a boyfriend. ANYWAY, it sounds like you might have some relationship issues left unresolved. I guess I’ll answer your bitterness¬†with a question, how long ago did he dump you?

Q: I really want to ask out this boy but he’s voting for Donald Trump and I’m a liberal. How should I do it?

A: Take this idea and throw it in the trash. Then do us all a favor and put yourself in that trash. If you don’t I’ll do it for you.

RealityTVGIFs trash fight bernice south beach tow

P.S: Maybe you can carve your initials into the wall that he’s getting Mexico to build. A true symbol of undying love.

Q: I found out this guy liked me. Then I found out he was stalking me so I panicked and hit him with my car in the Kroger parking lot. HELP!

A: I love this concept. Guy hits on you and you don’t like it? BOOM. Run your Toyota through his living room window. Someone inappropriately harassing you on the street? Send them careening into oblivion with a bumper to the left shin.

(TEN EXTRA POINTS IF IT’S A HEADSHOT!)

Disclaimer: WBHS Spectrum assumes no liability for any potential accidents, incidents, insurance claims, broken bones, deaths, and funeral costs. Actually, if you can think of it, we won’t claim responsibility. Please drive responsibly and realize that any decision to run over civilians is your individual choice even though we totally think you should film the whole thing and tweet it to us @WBSPECTRUM.

Q: My friend said I should go on a double date with her and I need a date on short notice.

A: I hear that www.amishdating.com is BOOMING this time of year.

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