Sassy Spectrum: Spring Break Edition


Ah the smells of Spring. Thunderstorms, fresh flowers, intoxicated teenagers running for the hills in foreign countries after losing their tour guides in the bar they snuck into over Spring break. For these reasons and more, this issue of Sassy Spectrum will be a crash-course on how not to die over Spring break.

I need a spring break bae! Where should I find one?

It’s spring break. Just go on a cruise and chase the richest-looking person there. I’m fairly certain there are dating websites aimed at this dynamic but for the sake of my near-spotless discipline record at this school I won’t link them to this article.

I’m 18 and it’s the legal drinking age in Mexico. I’m going over break and I really want to drink cause it looks  fun, any tips?

Well, there aren’t many other reasons why high school students vacation in spots where it’s legal for them to drink. Just remember, Project X should NOT be your goal for spring break. Remain coherent enough to recite your ABC’s at all times. You know what’s not fun enough to stick on insta with the caption “#SpringBreak2k16”? You, hungover, ending up in a ditch 90 miles away from your Mexican resort with no wallet, no way of getting back home, and no dignity left. Cheers!

I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me yesterday but we have spring break plans together in Florida. He doesn’t know that I know yet but I’m totally mad at him and I want to break up. I don’t think I’m going to though because I need to update my instagram with cute pics of us together over break to make his ex jealous. What do I do?

This is too damn messy I’m just responding with gifs because I refuse to be held responsible for the mess that is going to be your spring break

I was supposed to go to Maui with my family but my dad just canceled and now I have to spend all of spring break at my grandmothers mansion in New York City.

This is me… trying to figure out just WHAT your problem is. Collect yourself and move on before I rob you AND your grandma.

Everyone is talking about all of the pictures they’re going to take over spring break. I’m going with a group of my friends and they’re all super pretty. I don’t want to be the ugly one in all of the photos! Help!!!!

Since spring break is so close, you don’t have the option to go with the usual beautification plans such as excessive amounts of working out, going on diets created by a gluten-free, vegan, Satan-worshiper, or spending 300,000 dollars on plastic surgery in a Kardashian-esque splurge. This brings us to plan B: make everyone look worse than you. Now, depending on how photogenic your friends are this could come down to a simple photoshop job. If they happen to be one of those ungodly creatures that somehow manages to still look good while doing their best impersonation of what Danny DeVito and Steve Buscemi’s lovechild would look like, more drastic measures may have to be taken. Take advantage of your surroundings for this, if you’re in a restaurant, feel free to “spill” your drink… in their face… at high speeds. Take your photo shortly after to guarantee that they appear inferior in all categories except moral integrity!