Sassy Spectrum: THE PROM EDITION

Sassy Spectrum: THE PROM EDITION

I don’t want to be lonely at prom and I don’t have a date!

What do you think Tinder was made for. Either use the app to catfish your way to a prom date or pay someone to pretend to be your boyfriend for the night like the rest of us.

My boyfriend can’t come to prom with me?

At least you have one stop complaining and let the single people stir the pot of emotional disturbance for once in our godforsaken lives

My dress makes me look like a toad, what do I do?

Honestly that question just made me think of this and I can’t stop laughing.

I don’t really have that much advice other than to buy a new dress. If your wallet isn’t feeling it, have fun looking like the prequel to the Shrek series during prom.

Someone has the same dress as me and won’t change it. I bought mine before her. What should I do?

Okay well I’m not saying that the mafia is the correct route here but it is something that I would at least consider. If you find that a hit and run the night of prom might look a little shady, feel free to use the timeless strategy of staining their dress with your drink. A few of my favorite examples are included.

OR if you really wanted to go the extra mile, feel free to throw a prosthetic leg at them like this woman. (After all, who doesn’t have one of those on hand at all times?)

My family wants me to take my cousin to prom because no one will go with him, it’s so annoying. What do I do?

Look at it this way. You only get one senior prom night. You have a lot of cousins. Does anyone really care if he’s the one glaring across the room at you every five years at your grandmother’s family reunion whilst drowning his woes in your aunts fruit punch that probably wouldn’t pass the lowest of FDA health standards?

I heard there’s good food at prom. Care to comment?

I’m not going to affirm or deny this rumor but if you’ve heard about a certain someone who raided the mashed potatoes and tried to sneak home an entire pan of them last year it hypothetically could have been me. This is entirely hypothetical, of course.

I’m getting ready to dump my boyfriend and I already have another date lined up. I’m worried I’ll get judged for finding another prom date so quickly. Any advice?

Listen, if you think you’ll be judged at prom, just imagine how little that judgement will matter when you get the pleasure of seeing your ex show up… ALONE.

RealityTVGIFs yas yas queen rupauls drag race clapping

I CAN’T FIND A DATE! I feel like I’m not interesting enough for someone to ask me out!

Oh, you’re not interesting?

Since I’m afforded the luxury of dishing out tough love on this god-forsaken column of mine, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: not everyone is interesting. Not everyone will be interesting. For those of us whose lives don’t resemble a movie plot so boring it makes me want to stick a fork into the nearest electrical socket several times, it’s not really beneficial for us to help you become more interesting. I truly am grateful to people like you, however. Without the bleakness of your lives as our background, we really wouldn’t shine as bright.

My boyfriend is unenthusiastic about going to prom, help!

And i’m unenthusiastic about your boring relationship problems. Either make him excited or find a new man.