Seniors Salute With Sassy Advice

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As seniors say goodbye (or something along the lines that is not appropriate to be published) they give their gift of “great” advice for freshman next year. So listen up future freshman these guys have endured four years of tests, finals, stress, craziness, drama and everything else that High School offers. So sit back and relax with your Starbucks coffee and enjoy as they recall their greatest advice for High School survival.

The First Day:

Ah, the first day of school. It is time to either dust off your Ugg boots and slap on a pair yoga pants or polish your Nikes and throw on a bucket hat because you have just entered the danger zone. You thought waking up was the hard part? Just wait until you step through the doors of what will soon be a living nightmare for the next 10 months of your precious little lives. Popular to contrary belief, do not bring your books on the first day. You do not need them, you do not use them, and even if you did you could always share a copy with the one new kid who didn’t get the memo and has a newly formed hunchback. The first day can go 1 of 3 ways :

 

  1. You have a great time and love all your teachers. You play lots of fun games and have no problem walking around the school. You make a couple of new friends from the other school and catch up with your old besties. Unfortunately the chances of this happening are close to negative. If your first day ends up like this, you are one of the few.
  2. It goes wrong in all areas. You are lost every time you have to venture out in the hallways, your friends pretend like you never existed and you end up spilling water all over yourself while staring at some cute guy (cough cough puddles cough) Unfortunately, the chances of this happening are way higher than the previous option.
  3. It is just boring, massively boring. You do not really have a great time and all you can think about it coming home and sleeping endlessly. This is the most probable option. I hate to break it to you but real life high school isn’t like high school musical.

Funny story, one of our friends came home from school after the first day and fell right asleep without even eating dinner or doing anything. She ended up waking up the next morning at 5:00am. So do not be surprised if this ends up happening to you. Lizzy Tepper pitches in her advice for the first day by saying, “Make sure to walk slowly in the middle of the hallway.That is a sure way to become friends with all the seniors. Lockers are definitely a must and put all your books in there so you can go between classes.”

First Impressions:

First impressions are key… major key ((cough cough dj khaled cough) if you don’t know that reference you are too young for highschool) Just like this paragraph, make sure first impressions are short but sweet. You especially want a good impression with teachers. Come in with the summer reading book annotated and make smart points using fluff words you googled right before coming to class and still do not quite know the definitions. Here is Mario Kakos stressing the importance of first impressions, “Don’t wear neon colored pants within the first week of school, I did that my freshman year. Always remember, you can’t make a second first impression.”

 

Hallways

Your first experience with high school hallways may be scary especially if you are under 5’7. The hallway is sort of like an assembly line, and if you don’t move fast enough (which, as a freshman  that will definitely be the case) you will be swallowed up in a big pool of bad smelling cologne and Nike sneakers. Do not sweat it though, not every kid can bust out of the womb 6’2”, but the ones who can will definitely enjoy their hallway experience more. Remember there are rules for a freshman to obey while walking the high school halls.

  1. Do not stop in front of seniors with a yellow highlighted map
  2. Do not  be talking about some student or teacher because next thing you know, they will be right behind you
  3. If you pull out earbuds and listen to what you call music, expect them to be ripped out of your ears so hard that the only thing you will be able to here is the sound of your regret.
  4. Do not walk on the left side of the hallway unless you are ready to face some big hands, and bad B.O
  5. Finally, do not try and be smart with yourself about what hallways you take: they are all crowded

Senior Ian Mahoney expresses his true opinions of the hallways and tells freshman, “Okay first step: don’t walk on the left side of the hallway, second: don’t stop in the middle of the hallway, third: be respectful get out of people’s way if they’re walking faster than you”

Lunch:

Okay I will admit your first lunch of the year can be pretty terrifying, the lunch line is confusing, the cafeteria is overly crowded, and looking for your friends can be as hard as deep sea diving in the Gulf of Mexico. But eventually you will find your clique and things will be just like middle school…. For only about 3 months. You are gonna get a whole new group of friends and eventually ditch your old “squad” to sit with them instead. And trust me, it is destined. Most likely your BFF now will not be as “BFF-y” with you by the end of the year. So do not get mad about it; I bet she is having the time of her life with the Anime Club like the true weeaboo she is. As far as the food goes, it sucks, so please pack a lunch every single day or starve. I am pretty sure you don’t want e.coli, so do yourself a favor and stay far away. Thanks (Michelle) Obama. Spectrum talked to Cole Phillabaum about his advice regarding lunch “Avoid food that’s been sitting there for a long time”, he said. “Also, the lines are not very strict, you can cut around and make your way to the front if you want to.” Cole was voted class garbage disposal.

Getting Ready in the morning

When your alarm clock goes off at 5:00 am, you do not want to spend 30 minutes eating breakfast so here are some lazy hacks to get you through the morning:

  1. If you wear the same thing two days in a row it’s okay. That is what odd and even days are for
  2. Makeup is a waste. All you need is some baby powder and a nude crayon
  3. Didn’t shower? That’s okay. Hats are allowed at school
  4. Forgot to pack tissues? Mr. Avery’s econ note cards work great for that

Finally, Tyra Briscoe gives her advice for freshman when she says, “Don’t be ugly. But if you’re already ugly to begin with that’s unfortunate. Sorry.”

Clothing

When it comes to clothing there is no wrong way to go. Many people express their true style from basic pieces of clothing. For example, you could wear leggings and a Pink sweatshirt and be a polar bear standing in a snowstorm drinking a glass of milk. Or you could try and be creative by wearing a Panic at the Disco shirt (but chances are every other person trying to be “creative” is wearing the same shirt). But no matter what you wear, it won’t matter because by mid- November sweatpants and slides will be your best friend. So the best way to go is to bum it on the first day of school, so people’s expectations of you never sink lower than the Dead Sea, which they probably will anyway when they see you without makeup, but that is for another paragraph. As Lauren Alo reflects on what she wore her high school career she says (*note* we replaced any foul language with the word pineapple) “Pineapple it up fam. Wear what you want. Life’s too short to be a basic pineapple that only wears leggings and boring shirts, or be a basic pineapple-boy and only wear sweatpants and t-shirts. Be a rainbow of sunshine and pineapple-it-upness and embrace your inner (probably questionable) fashion taste”

School Bathrooms:

 

Step 1: Save all your money, dig in couches and find spare change. Dive in a water fountain for all I care

 

Step 2: Find some black market doctor on Ebay, does not really matter about skill just as long as you find a cheap one in the area.

 

Step 3: Arrange a meeting to get your surgery. It is probably gonna hurt a ton but trust me it is worth it.

 

Step 4: Enjoy your steel bladder and brag to all of your friends about never having to enter the dungeon that is the school bathrooms.

 

Ian Graham, who describes himself as “just a small town girl” shares his narrative of the bathrooms. Let us all light candles and sit in a circle mourning our hygiene and those who have experienced the true terrors of the restrooms. “The school bathrooms suck. But I want you to realize it’s not the fault of the janitors, it’s just that all the kids that go here are such uncultured masses. Now, I can only speak for the men’s bathrooms because personably[sic] I’ve never been in a women’s bathroom here. But basically the best bathroom to use is the one upstairs because usually no one never messes with it. Though it is the smallest, so it might be busy in between classes. But during class it’s pretty good. All the rest are very hit or miss. Some rooms don’t have soap dispensers, others don’t have doors on stalls, and some don’t have locks on the doors. Some toilets have garbage bags over the top of them, which means they’re out of order. Sometimes a bathroom stall that is perfectly good will be clogged with paper and excrement. To make a long story short, the bathrooms here are the worst but it’s all our (your) faults. Take good care of them so they can be better for future generations.

Football Games  

During your first High School football game you will receive lots of free gifts welcoming you to the student section. Here are some of the things you might acquire during your first game:

  1. An orange soda soaked shoe
  2. A deaf ear
  3. Laryngitis
  4. A visit from the tooth fairy
  5. Nacho cheese lotion

Eventually you will get sick of standing after the anthem and you will want to leave. Leaving is the hardest part. The student section is your modern day cult. So you can either stay and suffer or attempt to leave and die in the process.  Senior Robbie Reid talks about games and gives a tip of advice for freshman when he says “Coming from someone who even has a designated spot in the front row, if you do not arrive to the crazy mosh pit we call the student section at least 30 minutes before game time, prepare to have your hips squeezed into the middle of your body for the next two hours. Friday night football games are EVENTS, so if you don’t bring your maximum amount of enthusiasm, the other 999 kids that are screaming their hearts out WILL call you out.  Also, a last tip of advice: If you are an underclassman and attempt to sneak into any of the bottom 5 rows, expect your reputation to be tainted among the Lakers in stands for the rest of the season.”

School Spirit

School spirit is definitely something that West Bloomfield has. The popular kids have it, the nerds have it, the burnouts have it, heck, even the furries have it. When it comes to green and white, those colors fly out of our systems like Donald Trump’s “terrific” ideas. Erin Suchara, who has a lot of school spirit shares her ideas by saying, “At WB, one does not just put a green and white ribbon in their hair and call themselves spirited. You’re never truly a Laker until you’re coughing up green and white confetti and singing the school chants in your sleep.”

Homecoming Week

Wow! Your first homecoming week! Homecoming week can be fun if you are basic and on student council, but for the rest of us Homecoming week is a way to see how risque girls can be with a Laker shirt and a bandana. The game is fun and all if you wear a poncho or are willing to smell like a baby’s diaper for the next 2 weeks. The dance on Saturday is boring and cold, plus the Cupid Shuffle makes everybody want to gag. But Hey! If you want to do the wobble with Watson and Pace that is your call. Taylor Klassen  gives their advice by saying “Go big or go home, but not too big on the dress; you want to be able to fit through the door”

 

School Wifi:

I’m just gonna tell it like it is, the school Wi-Fi sucks. It is terrible. If you even want to use your phone during school, you better hope mommy and daddy give you enough data in their phone plan. Admittedly, the Wi-Fi does work… for only about 5 websites. Most sites, YouTube videos, and social media apps are blocked. I will let you know that Twitter and Facebook work, the rest of them do not. The school Wi-Fi is mostly unreliable. One minute it will be working and the next it will be stuck on a loading screen for about 20 minutes while you’re trying to show your friends a video compilation of the phteven meme. Here is the always hilarious Madeleine Hughes with her opinion on the school wifi, “It’s boo boo. So it can be good or bad, depends on how you view the phrase ‘boo boo’. But it’s nice when it randomly goes out and you have a test online and your teacher just has to reschedule it, or she moves your class to the icenter. It is lit in there”

Relationships

Relationships are big at the high school. There are manydifferent types of relationships here are a few:

  1. The ?: This type of relationship usually occurs at the beginning of the year. Two people from different cliques magically meet over the summer, and the next thing you know the most nerdy girl is dating the hottest guy in school. It naturally confuses you. At first, you consider that it might be one of those Can’t Buy Me Love kind of deals. Where maybe the girlfriend is paying him. But then you realize that everybody is broke in high school and most people would rather spend their nickels and quarters at the vending machine. It is okay, because before you know it, the couple breaks up and both go back to their sad little possies.
  2. The anime relationship: This relationship usually occurs between two weeaboos over Kik. There is not much to say about it, except for the fact that there is no way to make the word senpai sexy, so stop trying to make it happen. Kiss, kiss fall in love
  3. The goals relationship: This relationship is the type where two really popular kids date and are always together. You see them in the hallway, you see them in class, and sometimes you even see them in the bathroom. But before you know it, their instagram bios are changed to Kelly Clarkson and Daughtry lyrics, they have dyed their hair an unnatural orange, and are spotted shopping at walmart for their next furry relationship.

Sassy senior Neil Haran gives his ultimate relationship advice as he says, “Seeing people’s relationships out in the open is usually tedious but bearable. This becomes an excruciating phenomenon when PDA is involved. It becomes even MORE excruciating when you realize that the couple sloppily making out while still chewing their lunches are freshman. Relationships are fine but keep them within your damn limits and you’ll be fine. If you don’t, just know there’s a special circle of Hell with your name on it.

Procrastination:

Weethwee5gweavnhaqZXDE4REDEHYB HELP IM PROCRASTNAATING WRITING THIS ARTICLE IT IS DUE IN LIKE 5 MINUTES AHHH. OKAY DO NOT PROCRASTINATE EVEN THO YOU KINDA HAVE TO. EVERYONE PROCRASTINATES SO DEAL WITH IT. SOON YOUR PROCRASTINATION WILL TURN INTO SENIORITIS SO BEWARE. OKAY NOW I NEEDED THIS QUOTE FOR DOOLEY BUT UNFORTUNATELY HE WAS PROCRASTINATING TOO. “Emma actually told me I was supposed to write a few sentences on procrastination about a month and a half ago. It’s currently March 8th and she is threatening me while I’m typing this. Long story short…. Don’t procrastinate.”

The importance of coffee

Freshman do not really get excited when the hear the word coffee. But after your first exams you will be an expert on your coffee order. In High School, coffee is probably one of the most important things. Not only does it help you poop, but it keeps you alert in math class. Although coffee may taste gross to some, it will become your addiction, whether you want it to or not. Some people think that they can skip this path and try alternatives, but honey,  tea will not get you outpasses because you pooped your pants. Coffee advocate Jackson Abohasira says, “High schoolers of the future, coffee will be your best friend. It’s a brown gift from the gods that will get you through life. Drinking coffee can keep you awake, help you pay attention in your classes, and get you through that book you have to annotate in 4 hours because even though you had three weeks, you procrastinated by watching 10 seasons of ‘Friends’ instead.  It’s also always a great first date. Ask someone to coffee, coffee is a social drink. Just watch your anus, coffee makes you fart yo, so squeeze those booty cheeks together and keep it in. Coffee is also delicious (after a while) and can help you relive the migraines of your caffeine addiction that coffee gave you in the first place. There are different flavors (for pansies) in case that sublime bitterness isn’t your style, but remember one thing (yes you the five kids who are actually reading this) tea is for the weak. Don’t drink tea! That’s how the British lost the Revolutionary War, because they are tea drinkers. True story.”

Importance of Earbuds:

If you end up sleeping through your alarm on the first day (which you most likely will) and only have 10 minutes to get out the door (which will most likely happen), pack earbuds. Trust me, you will thank us later. With earbuds you can blast MCR and other various emo bands to keep you awake on the bus ride to doom. Unless you are the idiots who ride my bus and get to decide what everyone listens to by blasting drake music through wireless speakers at 6:00 in the morning. If you are that person, could you please stop? Anyways, Pierce Kaufman explains our point in a more simplistic way, he says, “Make sure you have earbuds or headphones handy, because you never know when you could relax for a few minutes and just listen to music. However, if you listen to music loudly, make sure the room isn’t completely silent or else the entire class will be listening to your music, too.”

Clubs:

The first thing they are going tell your parents is make sure your kid joins a club. We are all about clubs here at WBHS, but the truth is clubs really don’t do much other than get together occasionally to eat or talk about a project they never end up doing. Miles Sedziafa says it best “The only reason people join clubs is for the free food.” Yes, that is right there is free food, and lots of it. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself in the corner of Madame Coe’s room stuffing cheese balls in your face while rushing to make some craft. Clubs are fun, for the most part, time consuming, but fun.

Test Taking:

When you are taking a test the hour could either be great or a complete nightmare. If you studied (key word is “if”), tests should be a breeze. Most teachers let you go on your phone silently after you finish, so speed through it and you can have just enough time left to text that guy you have been trying to hit up. Tests in high school are significantly harder than middle school. There have been numerous times where I have searched and searched for a choose all option only to find out that it does not exist and I have to decide between two answers that sound like the same sentence reworded. Spectrum asked Julia Weingarden about her ideas on test taking and this was her response, “The ACT is a capitalist conspiracy to keep low income and minority students from gaining access to higher education” #yikes.

How Not To Be Basic

We all know the girls and their leggings, and the boys and their Nike. This paragraph is how to avoid that. There are many ways to avoid being basic such as:

  1. Don’t follow Donald Trump on twitter
  2. Don’t say you are on tumblr
  3. Don’t start a beauty guru makeup channel
  4. Don’t say you are a hipster
  5. Don’t join a travelling soccer team
  6. Don’t ask people to buy your mixtape
  7. Don’t quote “Deez Nuts”

There are also ways to help a friend with such an illness. Here are some ways to distract them from this:

  1. Delete their inspirational quotes from twitter
  2. Avoid talking about The Bachelor with them
  3. Cover up their rose gold iPhones
  4. Take them to a real coffee shop
  5. Try something other than Fetty Wap
  6. Try yoga, instead of just shopping for yoga clothes
  7. Stop the puppy Snapchat filter

Spectrum’s own Neil Haran writes a bit about not being basic and gives a wonderful piece of advice by saying, “Regardless of how nice you think your freshman year of high school is going, it’s a disaster waiting to be recognized. I have yet to meet a decently-intelligent senior that hasn’t wished that they had been run over before their freshman self walked through the doors of WBHS. That being said, there are a FEW measures that you can take to minimize how disastrous you are as a freshman…

 

  1. Clothes

Your clothing taste will (hopefully) change over your four years here. You might as well get started on that transition before it gets too embarrassing. Ditch the middle school outfits that vaguely resemble the early 2000’s fashion crisis in favor of some outfits that do not include graphic or glittery neon T-shirts that look like they belong in your local Build-a-Bear.

 

  1. Humor

I hate to break this to you, but knock knock jokes and incessantly blurting the phrase “yo mama” is not going to cut it in high school. There is nothing that upperclassmen despise more than a freshman who has the comedic maturity of a 3 year old that learned his first swear word. Step it up and maybe you will not regret your existence when you scroll down to your freshman facebook feed in four years.

 

  1. Academics

I get that you’re used to a middle school curriculum that largely-consists of single page worksheets and the occasional excruciating project where you labor for hours to make that 5 slide powerpoint look pretty, but high school is a different game. That being said, take advantage of your freshman year. You will be in some of the easiest classes and curriculum at this time, and if you do not want to look back on freshman-you with the burning desire to stick your old self into a blender, you will take advantage of this situation to give your GPA enough buffer to slack off in your second semester of senior year just like the rest of your miserable comrades.”

Finals:

The dreaded finals. So here is the deal: Finals are not that bad! Well, unless you did no’t study. I hate to sound repetitive, but it’s true. If you know your poop then you’ll do good. If you do not… Then you can take either of two routes:

 

  1. Post a tweet asking everyone to pray for you and contact an witch to put a good luck charm on you.
  2. Yolo it. I have done it before and chances are you’ve done it before and I guarantee that you will not be the only one in the room, especially if we’re talking about the Econ final

We decided to talk to Seth Betman on his advice for finals, “ Don’t study, just please don’t study because honestly it’s a waste of time, you could go home and watch a movie or read a book, maybe even specifically Les Miserables. In all seriousness finals are a time of your life where you look your teacher in the face and say ‘you know, I don’t deserve this grade, yet I do at the same time.’”

In conclusion future freshman, It’s your decision on how you want to spend your freshman days. Whether it is chilling with the white polar bears and drinking milk, or becoming your own best friend (which is probably your best option) you must come up with a game plan. Freshman year will determine the rest of your life. (Just Kidding). Be yourself, unless you are messed up, and don’t fail Econ (which you will). Anyway, for now enjoy recess and juice boxes. See you soon Freshman. Peace out pineapples!

 

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